Crimson Confessions

things i have learned since moving out (not quite finished)

2009-01-20T01:17:39Z

moving costs money
a broom and dust pan is ten times better than a swiffer
puppies are a pain in the ass
bills come every month
the refridgerator does not clean itself
neither do toilets
or showers
groceries are expensive
you CAN live on cereal
mom made spagetti because it was easy
grass grows really fast
half of all brand new socks will mysteriously disappear
having a husband is a lot like having a sibling
nice scissors are invaluable

I already knew these things but they have recently come into clearer perspective.

scarletlove @ 2007-07-23T12:09:00

2007-07-23T16:35:28Z

So, life has been treating me pretty good lately...

I got through my first semester of Nursing School, and I'm getting ready to start my second (just three more to go). This semester is supposed to be the hardest. It's pretty much the one where they weed the people out who aren't serious enough. You have to really work hard and want to be there in order to pass. Let's just say my friends might not see me a whole lot in the coming months.

Work is going well so far. I just passed my 90 day evaluation. It's strange though because I've never really had a "job" job. All my other jobs have been something I've enjoyed, and this one, well... this one just pays my bills. I go to work, I come home, and I don't really feel much of anything about it. I guess the good side of it is that it's easier to leave my work problems at work and not carry them around all the time. But on the same token it's kind of.., I dunno, empty. I just miss taking care of people. I mean, that's something I felt really good doing. Maybe I'll get a job with hospice after this semester is over.

On another note... I've been going through some changes lately, with how I look at things and how I feel about myself, and while it's somewhat scary, I think I've come to some good realizations in the past few weeks. And... I dunno I feel like a cloud's been lifted or something (as corny as that sounds). I mean, I woke up this morning and realized that I'm happy... that I feel good about my life and everything that's going on right now. Nothing compares to that kind of peace. Perhaps I'll explain more later.

scarletlove @ 2007-03-02T08:01:00

2007-03-02T14:00:56Z

Wow, it's been awhile. A lot's happened since the last time I updated. Let's see....

Well, for starters, Nigel and I are living together now. We moved in to my parents' newly finished basement around christmas time, and it has been the greatest. I really love being able to sleep next to him at night; it makes me feel safe.

And speaking of "nights" and "sleep," I quit my night shift job, and I've been unemployed for a little over a month now. Nursing school didn't really fit my work schedule so my parents have been helping me out lately as far as expenses go.

I hate being a mooch, though, so being broke and unemployed is only a temporary thing. I actually just got a job as a patient transporter at St. Mary's hospital. The work is fairly simple and the pay is really good. Hell, it's more than I was making at Fenwick. I've been busy with all the pre-employment stuff this past week, and I have to go back today to get my PPD read and discuss scheduling with my new boss.

Nursing school has been going pretty well. Lab is especially fun, because it's all hands on learning. And unlike some of the prerequisites, it doesn't feel like a waste of time. I mean, the skills we're learning are skills that we'll be using for our whole careers. It's all very exciting, and everyone feels it. Everyone has that feeling like "Wow, I'm finally here!"

Nursing school is so different from regular classes. In Nursing school you share all your classes with the same people for two years. I've actually gotten to know many of my classmates just over the past few weeks, and it's almost like having a support group. Everyone studies together, helps each other; it's a team.

On another note, I turned 21 at the beginning of this month.... yeah... I'm such a cliche. There are pictures of my first real drinking experience up on my myspace. You can't get to them, though, unless I friend you, so just send me a friend request if you want to see them.

Well... that's all I can think of for now. It's time for me to get to the gym to shed some more winter weight. Maybe I'll be on later.

just two more years, bitches!!

2006-11-10T20:20:15Z

I guess I kind of had to think through this thing, and that's why I wasn't excited about it at first. That's why I didn't tell many people. It means changes for me, big changes. And well, I know this is delayed news but...

I got into the Nursing Program!!!

scarletlove @ 2006-11-08T07:40:00

2006-11-08T12:40:45Z

I had an exhausting night. I am just completely drained, not physically but emotionally. Do any of you have any idea of what it's like to sit next to a person that's just laying in a bed, dying slowly? This woman was literally laying there drowning. Everytime she exhaled, I could hear that death rattle. And everytime she inhaled I waited for a silence to follow. I honestly didn't think that she would make it through the night. That's why I stayed in her room during all the down time.

At around 2am, she started to look really bad, so I gave her a bed bath and lotioned her skin real good. Then I cleaned her hair and teeth. She had so much phlemn in her mouth, I had to clear it out with a wet rag and some listerine. When I finished that, I put some powder on her brush and ran it through her gray hair to soak up all of the oils. No one should have to die looking the way she did, and no one should have to die alone, either, which is why I sat with her.

scarletlove @ 2006-10-30T07:49:00

2006-10-30T12:51:34Z

I got I new haircut. It's not what I wanted, but it's grown on me (pun not intended) and now I love it. It's on my new userpic but there's a better pic on my myspace.

scarletlove @ 2006-10-27T09:02:00

2006-10-27T13:09:41Z

I almost got rear-ended by a dump truck going about 50mph. Man, it feels good to be alive!

cooking now

2006-10-25T11:35:36Z

The great thing about having a diet that excludes you from eating with the family, is that you learn real quick how to cook for yourself. I learned how to sautee veggies on the stove. Sounds simple I know, but this is coming from the person who once almost burnt the house down with a bag of popcorn. A person who until the age of 16 refused to go near a stove or oven, not even to cook ramen noodles.

scarletlove @ 2006-10-23T02:10:00

2006-10-23T06:11:58Z

Well, not much has been going on with me lately. Work, school, Nigel, sleep... same old same old. I got promoted to "lead caregiver" at work. My raise was 50 cents, nothing spectacular, but it adds up. Of course it seems, good news always comes attached to bad news, and I did get some bad news this week. I recieved my rejection letter from the college for the nursing program. Mom opened the envelope over the phone. I had thought for sure I would have gotten in but it said that, while I met the requirements, all available spots have been filled. Bummer, right? I cried so much, I had to skip my next class.

It's so frustrating because all I have left for my degree are those nursing classes. I've spent the past three and a half years getting all of my core courses out of the way. What am I supposed to do now? I have no other classes to take next semester, at least none that can go towards my degree. What's worse is that I can't just take a semester off, because then the college loan people will start sending me bills that I can't afford to pay without my degree. I feel like I'm stuck. I mean, I can apply for next fall, but what if I don't get in then? And what should I do in the meantime?

Sorry if I'm rambling. I've asked myself these questions every day this week, and I'm just tired of thinking about it so much. I wish I knew what to do. All I know is that this is the career for me, I don't want to go for something else because this is the thing I have a passion for. You know what I mean? I feel like I wouldn't be good at something I don't feel passionate about.

scarletlove @ 2006-09-17T20:24:00

2006-09-18T00:25:04Z

Damn, I slept all day.

scarletlove @ 2006-09-10T18:36:00

2006-09-10T22:54:41Z

Ok, so maybe I did cheat a little... but you can't go to a wedding and NOT have cake.

And that's the only thing I had that broke my diet, so I'm really proud of myself.

scarletlove @ 2006-09-08T11:30:00

2006-09-08T16:01:09Z

I'm writing this in class. There are about a million things I'd rather be doing right now... *sigh* thirty more minutes.

This girl next to me is eating a snickers bar. God, I miss chocolate. I need to get some carab chips to snack on, or maybe I'll make those cookies again, the ones I made last week with the vegan recipe I found online.

This weekend I'm going to West Virginia for my cousins wedding ceremony. She's having a pot luck reception afterwards which will be my first diet test. I wish I had made something to bring. I don't want to look picky when I don't eat much. I haven't eaten any animal products in almost two weeks, and I'm not gonna screw that up now. At least I figure if I look at it that way I'm less likely to.

Maybe I will make something. Acorn squash sounds good... maybe some sweet potatos. Damn I'm hungry! I need to go to the grocery store after class. Maybe I'll update later.

scarletlove @ 2006-09-02T03:27:00

2006-09-02T08:13:42Z

five days... I've been doing really well with this vegan thing.

Kathryn and I had a little hurricane party tonight with Nigel and Kathryn's boyfriend, Chris. We made this whole vegan meal and it was delicious! We had portobello mushroom burgers (teriaki style) and sweet potato fries, plus a salad and various fruits. I also made this tortilla chip dip with vegan cream cheese and salsa that was sooooo good! Kathryn had made some vegan cookies too, that I need to get the recipe for.

I swear this is a lot easier than I expected, and it helps, of course, that I have someone to learn from. Kathryn has been vegan for several months now. In fact, she's the one that sort of accidentally convinced me to switch. See, we were at the zoo last Saturday and I was asking her a lot of questions about being vegan because I really couldn't understand how someone could give up meat, eggs, and dairy products. How's that for ironic? Two days later I made the decision to try it. I guess it just occurred to me that... well, you already know my reasons for doing doing it.

It's just been wonderful. I love being about to eat something without feeling guilty. It's so great to have a decent sized meal and know that it's not gonna make me gain weight.

Perhaps this will become more than just a temporary thing. Who knows?

scarletlove @ 2006-08-31T17:07:00

2006-08-31T21:15:49Z

So, I started school this week, and the truth is I’m really excited about this semester. All I have left after this semester are nursing classes. It’s like I can finally see the horizon. You see, this semester is made up of the last core courses I need for the nursing program: Biology 2010, which is microbiology, Biology 2010 Lab, Nursing 1015, and Health 1030. The health and nursing classes are both mini-sessions, so I only take each for half the semester. That’s great because it’ll feel like I’m only taking three classes. The downside to them, however, is that they’re in Prince Frederick, and they also run from 9am to noon which is, as you know, a time when I’m usually asleep. I actually had to take Thursdays off because there’s just no way I could work all night until 7am Friday morning, and then drive 45 minutes to Prince Frederick, and sit through a three hour lecture. I guarantee you if I tried to do that, I’d have my face in a puddle of drool on the desk by ten o’clock. As for my Biology classes I’m not really as worried about them. They start at three o’clock on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I’ll still have to wake up early, but the way I see it, five hours of sleep is better than no sleep. The hard part will be going back to work on Tuesday nights.

That’s the thing about nightshift. It’s easy to plan things around my work schedule, but not around times I need to sleep. If anything throws me off this semester, it’ll be that. Even when I don’t work I want to sleep all day. Daylight just makes me tired now, and the sunset is like a cup of coffee. On my nights off, I’ll try to sleep and I can’t… at least not until three or four in the morning.

Don’t get me wrong though, I love working nights, and the good things about it far outweigh the bad. For starters I have a lot of free time, which I can use to study or do homework, balance my checkbook or even watch a movie on the TV. Seriously, after we finish the laundry and clean the bathrooms and kitchen, all we have to worry about is checking and changing residents every two hours. Since it’s assisted living and not a nursing home, we don’t have to worry about things like feeding tubes or I-Vs. Occasionally, we’ll have a confused resident get up and want to go home, but that’s about it. The rest is just quiet time.

Anyway, back to the topic of school, I started my microbiology class this week. This is actually my second time taking it. The first time I made the mistake of taking the lecture by itself. I couldn’t get into the lab because it was full, so I just figured I’d take it in the next semester… bad idea. Without the hands-on learning of the lab to link to the material I was trying to learn in lecture, I got really behind. By that I mean I got lost somewhere around gram stains, which were barely covered in the lecture but apparently took up hours of the lab. I ended up dropping the class after getting D’s on my first two tests. I figured it best to try again later when I could have both the lab and lecture.

This second attempt looks promising so far, though. Nothing’s really confusing me, and it helps that I still have my old notes. Now I understand them a little better at least. Also, the instructor has a sense of humor, so that’s a plus. With all the sleep I’m going to miss out on, it’ll be good to have a teacher that will keep things interesting. It’ll at least keep me from dozing off. From what I remember about this class, material is pretty dull. It’s all just a general overview, and we never really get into specifics. Maybe a part of the reason I didn’t do well last time is that I was so disinterested. I would be excited to learn about the aspects of microbiology that the media is so hyped about these days. Things like the AIDS epidemic, and the threat of bio-terrorism would be interesting topics to cover. That kind of stuff fascinates me.

I’m really hoping to do well this semester. The sooner I can get into the nursing program, the sooner I can get my degree. And then Nigel and I can finally have our wedding. I’m just praying my petition goes through for the spring semester. If it doesn’t, I have to take some bullshit classes I don’t need, just so the bank that’s loaning me money for college won’t start billing me. I wouldn’t be able to handle those payments, as broke as I am. I haven’t even been able to pay off Nigel’s wedding ring, and it’s been on layaway for six months now.

Well, it’s almost 6am, and I have to go make my last rounds for the night. Then I’m going home and straight to bed. Hopefully, I can get enough sleep before lab.

don't get me wrong... I'm not a hippie, and I love meat but...

2006-08-29T23:43:31Z

Well... I went to the doctor, and she got me a blood test for diabetes, and I don't have diabetes. But I do have high cholestorol which is not exactly good news considering I'm only 20 years old.

So... I've decided to go on a strict vegan diet, in order to bring that number down quickly.

See, I can't just eat less cholestorol. Why? Because whenever I go on a diet that has allowances I screw it up by allowing myself too many allowances. For example, I've been good all day so I allow myself a cookie. Well that cookie quickly turns to five cookies, and I start thinking to myself Well I've screwed up today so might as well really enjoy it. So I begin eating other things that are not good for me. A week later, I still have not resumed my diet.

A vegan diet won't let me do that, since it's a total change from what I normally eat, and there are no allowances. So from now till as long as it takes no more meat, dairy, eggs, or any other animal products.

I also look at it this way, though: I've never seen a fat person in a vegan restaurant, so I'm hoping to lose a little weight, too.

Right now the only hard part is getting used to soy milk, and other substitutes.

work, sleep, work, sleep, work

2006-06-09T16:12:06Z

I just got off work at 7am... now I go back in at three. I had my alarm set for 1 o'clock I think, but I woke up at twelve cause I had to pee (I hate it when that happens). Anyways, I just figured screw it, might as well just stay up, so here I am barely functioning. I don't know why hell I picked up this day. No sense whining about it now I guess... even though I just did for like... a paragraph.

Man, I'm tired.

scarletlove @ 2006-05-04T03:53:00

2006-05-04T08:28:19Z

I can't sleep on my nights off anymore.

scarletlove @ 2006-03-31T13:20:00

2006-03-31T19:19:41Z

I'm trying so hard to wake up right now. I don't have to work tonight so I want to enjoy today, not sleep through half of it. It's absolutely gorgeous outside. Today is a day for the top to come down.

Something scary happened to me last night. I was at work, and it was about 3am. I was hungry so I went out to my car to get some soup I had brought. Now, first of all, about half way to my car I got this bad feeling. You ever have that feeling like someone's watching you? Well that's the feeling that I had. Then when I got to my car, I saw something/someone move out of the corner of my eye. I told myself it was just the lights behind the trees playing tricks on my eyes. I get scared for no reason sometimes and I just figured that this was one of those times. So I got my soup out of the car and headed back towards the door (my thumb on my keychain panic button). Then, about halfway there I heard my name called. The voice sounded like it had come from the woods over near the dumpster. It was a man's voice. I didn't stick around to see who it was though; I just ran. I heard that, and my legs were moving. I ran so fast I thought I'd left my body behind. Thank god I put a book down to keep the door open. Otherwise, I would've had to wait there for Lathrease to unlock it.

Then I got inside and started freaking out. I looked out the window through the blinds and couldn't see anyone, and there were no cars in the parking lot other than those of my co-workers and myself. I don't know who that was. I called Jeannie to let her know, and then called the police. They sent a patrol car to have a look around, but we didn't see him see anybody, and we didn't hear or see anything strange after that.

What a creepy thing though. I was shaking for pretty much the rest of my shift. Anybody waiting around like that at 3am is up to no good. The facility is at the end of a dead end road. There's no reason that anybody would be "just passing by." And how would that person know my name? I kept going through the list in my head of all the crazy people I know. I don't think he was looking for me specifically, though, because this has happened before to another co-worker of mine. She was on nightshift walking from one building to the other and some man in the woods hollered out to her. That was a couple months ago.

I don't know what to think about it. I know I'm on my guard now from now on, though. No more going out to my car in the middle of the night.

change in schedule

2006-03-11T20:58:37Z

I'm switching to nightshift exclusively, just 11-7's across the board (which I requested last week). Jeannie gave me my new schedule today. I'm actually looking forward to having some time to myself to study and whatnot. I'd have time to work on the blanket I'm crocheting, write my book, draw pictures... all these things I keep telling myself to do but never do because I don't have the time. On the nightshift all there is to do is laundry and changing people every two hours. All the rest is down time. The only hard part will be adjusting to the new sleep schedule. I will pretty much be a walking zombie for the first two weeks or so, then after that I'll just have to keep myself up till 3 or so on the nights I don't work. Anyway, here's my schedule for anyone who's interested, and to remind myself for that matter. Tomorrow will be the beginning of week two.

Week one:

sunday - 11-7
monday - 11-7
tuesday - off
wednesday - off
thursday - 11-7
friday - off
saturday - off

Week two:

sunday - off
monday - 11-7
tuesday - 11-7
wednesday - 11-7
thursday - 11-7
friday - off
saturday - 11-7

scarletlove @ 2006-03-04T11:22:00

2006-03-04T16:30:07Z

I had a dream last night that I woke up and it was my wedding day.

scarletlove @ 2006-02-16T21:53:00

2006-02-17T03:34:44Z

At the last Otakurave I went to, I danced for five hours straight, and didn't feel a single ache in my body, the whole time.

Now, everytime I'm at the gym doing cardio (be it the eliptcal, treadmill, whatever), I close my eyes and put myself at that rave. It gets me through the hard parts.

I really need some more trance for my mp3 player, though.

20th birthday

2006-02-08T02:02:11Z

I took the day off, skipped all my classes, and I did not excercise or diet at all today. I just took a break from it all. Mom and Nigel and I had lunch at Olive Garden, and we had cake and ice cream about an hour ago. As for gifts, I got two gift certificates for WaWa ($100 each), and a gold ring with diamonds shaped like a crown. I had seen it in the JCpenny jewelry catalog awhile ago and showed it to my parents. I didn't expect it for my birthday, so that was a nice surprise. I just thought it would be a cool ring for a "King" to wear. Even when my last name changes, I'll always know where I came from.

Other than all that, most of the day was pretty uneventful, I did some homework, cleaned my room a little, played with the birds. I don't know why, but I've felt kind of depressed today... maybe it's just this day. It's like every birthday for the past three years I've realize how young I am and how much older I'm living. I mean... I feel like I'm forty. I need to get my body back. I need to get out and do something wreckless and fun. I need to live my own age for christ's sake, and I need to lighten up. I can barely stand to be around myself these days and I don't know how Nigel puts up with me...

*deep breath*

Maybe I just need some sleep.

If anyone wants to join me at the CSM gym sometime, gimme a call. Goodnight everyone.

tidbits

2006-01-25T00:55:38Z

I got to Nigel's after work today and slept from 4-7. I should feel pretty rested tomorrow no matter what time I go to bed.

I saw Pulp Fiction for the first time the other day... what fucked up movie.

Grr... school starts up again tomorrow, and I was enjoying this little vacation. At least I can take comfort in the fact that after these two classes, all I have left are the nursing classes.

I really need to draw something.

scarletlove @ 2006-01-12T17:06:00

2006-01-12T23:30:43Z

I'm paying for college out of pocket this semester, so I will be broke for awhile.

scarletlove @ 2005-12-31T17:58:00

2005-12-31T23:14:37Z

Ugh... I have to work a nightshift tonight... and I can't sleep.

I had to quit nightshifts because I could never get myself to sleep during the day. Then I'd always end up just forcing myself through it, which couldn't have been good for me. I'd feel so sick at the end of the night. About 2am I'd start to feel really cold, and by 5 I'd get this weird nauseous feeling. Then when the sun came up I always had a headache. I'd try to sleep it off that morning when I got home, but I'd always end up waking up at about noon. Then I'd feel like a zombie for the rest of the day.

When I first started at Fenwick, I worked three 11-7's a pay period (two weeks). I also worked two 3-11's, and one 7-3 in that pay period, so I never really got the chance to adjust to nightshift. I had to rework my sleep schedule like every other day, and I was always tired.

I'm only working tonight because I need to make-up for the money I spent on christmas, and tonight, I'll make time and a half because it's New Years.

Anyways, now that it's dark out, I'm gonna try and get a little more sleep.